Soaring on a summer day in Michigan, 2019
Soaring in a sailplane happens when we find lift. All forms of lift are generated by the sun. I see the sun as a metaphor for Core Positive Parenting Patterns and the lift they generate for a child’s spirit. There are three main forms of lift generated by the sun and discovering these greatly expanded the possibilities for tapping the sun’s power to use for soaring. Similarly, it is our hope that identifying these 7 forms of “interpersonal lift” will be of help for parents and limited parents in tapping the power of early attachment to help our children’s and patient’s spirits flourish and soar.
The 7 Positive Parenting Patterns
An Overview
George Lockwood, Ph.D.
February, 2020
1) Emotional Nurturance & Unconditional Love
2) Emotional Openness & Spontaneity
3) Autonomy Support: A parent seeing and believing in a child’s capacity to succeed at important and challenging life goals.
4) Autonomy Granting: A parent giving her child the freedom to be the central author of his life.
5) Dependability: Being reliably present and dependable in providing guidance and support.
6) Inherent Worth: Providing guidance in the pursuit of intrinsically meaningful life goals combined with remaining true to oneself and fair and respectful to others.
7) Confidence & Competence: Being, and coming across as, confident and competent as a parent.
The sub themes introduced below are derived through a process of organizing the themes appearing in an item or group of items making up a given scale in the PPSI in a developmentally meaningful way and as such are not mean to imply empirically based sub factors. They tell a bit more of the positive parenting story.
Emotional Nurturance & Unconditional Love
This Positive Parenting Pattern (PPP) is made up of three sub themes: Emotional Nurturance (comprised in turn of four discrete elements), Unconditional Love and Strength & Guidance.
1) Emotional Nurturance involves:
Deep Attachment: The child feeling deeply understood, free to talk openly and with sufficient emotional space to be herself, experiencing her parent as wise and comforting and having sufficient shared time.
Affection: Receiving affection in a well-timed and attuned manner by a parent who is warm and affectionate.
Day and Night Availability: Being confident his parent holds his needs in mind day and night, as needed, and will be there for him at times of high stress/crisis.
Openness: Having a parent who is emotionally open, expressive and who uses self-disclosure that helps to foster closeness.
2) Unconditional Love: Involves a parent who is patient and respectful in the face of a child’s mistakes and amidst conflict with her, who sets appropriate limits in a respectful and caring way when needed and who readily admits his own mistakes.
3) Strength & Guidance: Providing help in setting goals and following through on tasks, giving sound advice and direction, and being supportive and encouraging in the face of challenges.
As can be seen above, Emotional Nurturance & Unconditional love is not merely about fostering connection or providing emotional support but also involves setting limits when needed, as well as supporting the emergence of autonomy. An optimal integration of these themes involves an initial attuned response to needs for attachment, affection, availability and openness with a gradual increased focus on autonomy and self-regulation, when the time is right.
Emotional Openness & Spontaneity
The PPP discussed above, Emotional Nurturance & Unconditional Love, is primarily involved with the minimization of negative affect. The amplification of positive affect, as involved in the mutual play, openness & spontaneity themes that make up this scale, is also central to the development of a secure attachment and positive schemas.
Autonomy Support
This PPP involves believing in your child and seeing her as capable of succeeding at challenging and valued goals. It involves looking out for, developing and celebrating strengths and capacities in a positive and respectful way. Part of this means not losing sight of a child’s potential, even during prolonged difficult stretches when things seem to be getting worse.
Autonomy Support is made up of two facets:
- Looking for and seeing capability (e.g. believing in a child’s ability to succeed at challenging goals).
- Praise and a positive focus (e.g. being proud of your child when he succeeds at something important and focusing on what he did well without needing to point out mistakes or flaws).
Autonomy Granting
This involves a respect for a child making her own choices, her privacy, and her ability to navigate and handle her life without frequent coaching or monitoring. We see an openness, interest and attunement to a wide range of temperaments, preferences and life choices as a central aspect of this construct. A parent who is high in this theme will come across to the child as open, non-judgmental and accepting.
Dependability
Dependability involves, among other things, a parent demonstrating that she can be relied upon to not abandon the child; stand up for, protect and advocate for her when needed; be steady, consistent and responsible; follow through on promises and tasks; know when to hold her in mind outside of regular times together and be available to provide extra support; and be available to guide and support her in developing the discipline and impulse control to pursue central life goals when needed.
Inherent Worth
This PPP involves helping a child learn to prioritize being true to himself, fair and companionable, on par with or ahead of impressing others or winning or acquiring status or money. Central to this is learning to function adaptively within the competence hierarchies the he finds himself in or chooses to take part in.
Confidence & Competence
This PPP involves a parent who is, and comes across to the child as, emotionally strong, steady and predictable; is effective at getting things done; and has realistic expectations of him or herself. We believe that the confidence and self-assuredness of this pattern would also allow a parent to be comfortable with and open to difficult questions or challenges from a child.
© 2020, George Lockwood, Ph.D. Unauthorized reproduction without written consent of the author is prohibited. For more information, email: George Lockwood, Ph.D., Schema Therapy Institute Midwest: george@schematherapymidwest.com